It finally happened. My mom was standing in front of me, yet I was looking into the eyes of a stranger. Distant. Angry. Afraid. This is dementia.
Although she’d been to our home hundreds of times before, it may as well have been her first. I tried everything to get her to come down to the den to get ready for bedtime. I joked. I waited patiently in silence. I cheered her on and gave her pep talks. I even tried bribing her with her favorite treat (ice cream). She was determined not to move. Chiiiiiile she had a death grip on the furniture, doorways, and even the molding, making it impossible for me to begin to peel her fingers away (and I work out 4x/week!). It was pointless.
After waiting for about 15 minutes I figured I’d try to lead her downstairs. Bad idea.
Before I knew it, she used her full body weight to pull me towards her – all while twisting my wrist. Long story short we both ended up on the floor in tears. I couldn’t believe it. “Who is this person?”, I wondered. An hour-and-a-half later while she was sound asleep (thank GOD she listens to my husband), all I could do was replay the evening in my mind.
In hindsight there are some things that we’ll keep in mind going forward, and avoid such an emotional and physically-exhausting episode.
Stick to the Usual Routine
We’ll keep her daily routine in mind. At home, her bedroom is upstairs, so of course she’d want to follow suit when the kids headed for bed. Next time, if one of us sleeps in the den, things should go much more smoothly.
Start the Process of Transitioning Sooner
Much like we’ve learned with having a child on the spectrum, it’s a struggle for dementia sufferers to transition from one activity to the next. Rather than waiting until we’re beyond the point of exhaustion to suddenly head upstairs, we’ll discuss the plan with her well in advance to avoid surprises. Plus she’ll have time to process the next steps.
Don’t Push…or Pull
Although I gently guided her by the hand, I startled her. In her mind, I was forcing her. Getting physical – albeit gently – is never a good idea. Doing so made her more aggressive, and I ended up injured (wore a brace on my wrist for a week, and suffered a serious sciatica flare up).
Be Patient
Patience really is the most important thing you’ll need when caring for someone with dementia. Let the person experience all of the different stages including confusion, fear, helplessness, and anger.
It’s easy for us to “get up and go” and be spontaneous, but the combined cognitive impairment, anxiety, and physical limitations make it practically impossible for your loved one to adjust.
Do you care for someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s? What advice do you have?
I’ve also been inspired by this experience to join the efforts to put an end to this disease. Join me in the Alzheimer’s Association Walk to End Alzheimer’s® and help lead the way to Alzheimer’s first survivor – make a donation today!